My Rambles

When I was a kid, I was that kid who was always smiling or laughing, no matter what. I have had random adults come over to me and wonder and appreciate the fact. At that time the thought would occasionally cross my mind, what was the big deal about it. But now as an adult I probably get it more.

By the time I was pursuing graduation, I probably was still smiling but maybe not so much. When sitting by myself with my thoughts, it was not uncommon for me to just smile and people around me would be perplexed what just happened.

And when I look at myself today, I wonder the same, what just happened? If I was such a happy kid and happy young adult, what has made me so grumpy now?

I still smile and laugh with people, but when left with myself or my thoughts I am usually morose. Why do my thoughts go into that negative spiral?

This makes me wonder is smiling equivalent to being happy? Was I really happy at that time? I do have strong data points against it as well.

As I am pondering on the subject, it’s dawning on me that unknowingly I have always been an escapist. As a kid I would be more often than not engrossed in my thrillers, mysteries and fantasy lands, deeply emotionally involved with the characters as the story evolved.

The academic rigor never really piqued my imagination hence I never really was a consistent scorer, but that somehow never deterred me from considering myself smart and intelligent, because as per me I was not vying and trying for it.

I think when I embarked in my adult life, it kind of no longer offered me that escape room. I had to be in the present, I started getting bothered by conventional measures of success. I stopped reading fiction and tried to shift to management books and autobiographies, in order to gather those coveted pearls of wisdom for life. However, these pearls never could really entice and enthrall me.

Harder I tried, more distant I became from the books. Books only meant stories for me, and books probably had kept me sane until now.

Now when I am by myself, I seldom smile and often blurt out my frustrations, exasperations and lamentations. People around me are still perplexed.

I often feel I am not meant for this universe but only the universe decides how and when to conclude the story, till that time we just have to live our story.

Maybe it is up to us to live a story which we find worth escaping to or living it?

Not sure if my rambles made sense to you, but thanks for reading and if you are still there and wishing you a story that you desire with all your heart.